Moving Past the Past

For as long as I can remember, I have felt that my self worth was equated with how thin I was. I don't state this because I think it is a very unique experience or because I think it is an earth shattering thing to say, but because I think that there are still many people who think this way. The women in my mother's side of the family, in particular, are perfectionists and notice every detail, every flaw. I grew up  with a sister and two cousins who were all similar in age and the competition began. It wasn't until I was in middle school that I really felt it was a competition and at that point I started to see the world and my family around me for what it really was. I was constantly being judged by people based on how thin I was, how pretty I was and how smart I was. Every moment counted and anxiety set in.

I remember first noticing my weight and being truly embarrassed by it in this picture taken circa 1996 in Rota, Spain. My family spent four years in Spain and I remember this day well. It was one of my best friends' birthdays and we were having a beach sleepover at a nice hotel. It was a seriously fabulous birthday celebration! However, I remember feeling so body conscious, being surrounded by other people who I saw as much thinner than I was and who were less developed as well. I remember seeing this picture for the first time and wanting to tear it up because my arm looked huge in it. (I, of course, now just see a happy and healthy pre-teen. Btw, isn't the spiral perm just awesome on me, haha!)

I actually do not think that I have ever totally gotten over these body issues and they have thwarted my ability to truly grow. Last year, my health took a major turn when I found out that I was anemic. Being overweight and anemic seemed counter-intuitive to me, but the reality was that I was malnourished. I knew so little about how to keep me healthy that my body didn't have the right nutrients to function properly so I was getting sick constantly. It was during this time that I started to really research what I didn't know. In the last year I have had varying degrees of success, but finally am at a point where I'm making decisions not to be skinny or fit someone else's mold of beauty, but to be healthy, feel better inside and out and know that I am truly taking care of myself. While I can't change my past and it has had an effect on a lot of the body problems I have now, I am an adult and have the responsibility for what I do moving forward. As my Titi Carmen always says "you must think in the positive" (imagine an adorable, short hispanic woman with a thick accent).

So that's exactly what I've done this week!
1) I finished my 5 day cleanse and celebrated by opening a bottle of bubbly and taking a bubble bath - two of my favorite things!

Bubbles & more bubbles!

2) I got a visual for my end goal. A dress for my 30 lb lighter self! I haven't worn a strapless or sleeveless anything in YEARS...

I have the dress hanging in my bedroom across the bed so that I see it when I wake up in the morning and reminds me to work out ASAP!

3) Went to my first all vegan/vegetarian restaurant in NYC after a comedy show. Laughing and making plans to enjoy life is part of my vegan heaven, afterall. The restaurant was delicious and we had a hard time not eating EVERYTHING we ate! (For those of you who live here or come visit, it is called Soy & Sake.)

It's THAT good - even my carnivorous husband couldn't get enough!

4) While my cleanse was successful, I didn't see a huge difference on the scale. To keep better track of calories burned and help myself meet my weekly and monthly weight loss goals, my husband bought me a watch that also keeps track of my calories burned so that I can better estimate how much I need to work out to achieve my goals! In addition, I made myself a deal that for every week that I loose at least 3 pounds, I get to buy myself a new piece of workout clothes from lulu (this could get expensive, haha)!

So jazzed to try this out tomorrow! Btw, the nail polish does not match on purpose...

So, all in all, while there are things that I could have done better, I'm learning and have not cheated. Today I started working out twice a day to up the ante and hope to continue pushing myself. Next week I will be sharing new vegan dishes that I am trying, new juicing recipes and how I'm getting fit without a gym membership!